Some Darker Regions of the Heart: Infatuation, Obsession, Jealousy

So how does infatuation start? How does one get obsessed with someone else? Is it desperation? Is it fantasy? What starts us down that slippery, algae covered pathway? Perhaps it's when your heart is broken so utterly that you feel completely obliterated. Your heart has crashed and burned into charcoal and ashes and so little is left that any trace of liquid is enough to soothe the suffering thirst of the profoundly lonely heart. The mind tries to help and gives the heart whatever liquid it can find, even if it's dark, murky and possibly infected with poisons, parasites and malignant bacteria. When the heart drinks from these infested unsafe waters, despite it's better judgement, before the heart is completely healed and whole, then feverish infections can arise and grip the heart mercilessly. And since the heart isn't healed the mind tries to put together the broken pieces with fantasies, imagining what it was like before and what it could be like again with the new person of desire. But since the heart is not fully functional yet, it can't really conquer the fears and hold the fresh heart energy needed to grow a new and healthy relationship.

If you've formed one of these misshapen, lopsided (one-sided and therefore by definition unrequited/unrequitable) relationships, what do you do with it? Can you make it healthy again? Some of the time, the answer can be yes. However, perhaps it's worth backing up a step or two and asking "How do you know you have an unhealthy, malformed, lopsided relationship? Ask yourself this: "Does your heart hurt at any time when you think of this person but you can't find a way to relieve the pain?" Probably talking about these feelings would be the first way to lance this "boil" of pent up misdirected "bad blood" energy in the relationship. If you can't lance this boil yourself, perhaps a (professional or even a trusted and skilled amateur) third party's assistance may need to be enlisted. Some of these heart pains might be in the form of negative fantasies, jealousy and fears in various forms.

If the "lancing" doesn't clear the built-up tension and the feverish infection of one-sided obsession continues (eg: you can't stop thinking about the person but they don't feel the same way about you) then what do you do? Well, if you listen to Shakespeare, the outcome usually is as follows: Everyone dies in melodramatic and sometimes grisly ways! ;) So what does a more evolved/enlightened being do? I was just listening to buddhist dhamma talks today about finding ways to stop clinging to feelings, etc. in order to short-circuit our suffering. While this is all well and good, some feelings can't be ignored without very real consequences like hunger and thirst which when prolonged lead to ShakespeareLand.

A first good step though, is suggested by the buddhists: Insight and clear thinking. In other words, you need to get a grip on the reality of the situation and at the very minimum to recognize the denial of truth that is allowing the "infatuation/infection" to continue. The brightness and contrast need to be adjusted until all is visible in stark relief and fantasy has been reduced to a minimum. Sometimes a trusted individual can give you this kind of insight or at least point the way to the lightswitch to the bulb that has to go off in your brain to see this dark part of your heart clearly. Sometimes it is an event which will trigger this insight. It is only with this initial illumination, however dim, that you can go forward.

Unfortunately there may be some side effects when this happens. For instance, I have experienced embarrassment externally and anger internally. The anger is primarily for forgetting the buddhist truth of "letting go" and allowing myself to let the delusion continue as long as it has. The embarrassment is because, though I'm working on raising my humility level, I still don't like being a fool. But I hope that fools are needed as much as, if not more than, wise men in some cases! ;)

So once you've had this epiphanic realization what can you do if it isn't possible to "make" (as opposed to break) a one-sided infatuation-based relationship which you know to be unhealthy? How do you break out of it? The only intuition I have at the moment is that you must find a way to sediment over the schisms in your heart. Mozart will tell you that "Cosi Fan Tutte" and others will remind you that there are PlentyOfFish.com in the seas not to mention enlisting the help of ol' Craig...

But if you're not an opera fan, fisher or a barfly, what else can you do? Distraction isn't a bad technique until enough sediment builds up to cover the heart faults, just be careful of excessive/obsessive reliance on distractions or other substances (egs: food, drink, smoke, etc.) in the meantime.

Physical activity is also always a good idea. Especially, or at least in my case, activities that involve copious, vigourous sweating, shouting and smacking of things! ;) Though less directly assertive, I'm even thinking about taking the yoga and ballroom dancing classes I've always talked about! ;)

Ultimately, it's important to not hide yourself away. Though the light may be strong, and may cause you to blink, it's important to come out of the Platonic cave in order to see the shadows for what they really are and to meet other fellow humans. Now, if I would just follow my own advice! ;)

Closing caveat: Remember, I don't profess to be an expert in any of this. I'm trying my best to take a clear-headed/hearted look at some of the things I see and feel. If you try these ideas on at home, please keep in mind that they may not fit. You are welcome to return them for a full refund! ;)